Translating Liberalism

Liberals don't always mean what they actually say. In fact, more often than not, their words are entirely misleading for a normal person using typical definitions from the Dictionary. You have to know how to understand how to translate normal English into liberal-ese. For the purpose of translation, I've tried to put together a glossary of words or phrases, their true meanings (dictionary definition used wherever possible), and their meanings when used by liberals. This is just a starting point; feel free to submit new words, and I'll update the list.

compromise
- what it really means: a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.
- meaning as understood by liberals: everyone agrees with us

bipartisan/bipartisanship
- what it really means: of, consisting of, or supported by members of two parties, especially two major political parties
- meaning as understood by liberals: everyone agrees with us

tax cut
- what it really means: to lower, reduce, diminish, or curtail taxes
- meaning as understood by liberals: when done by a Republican it is a gross injustice and completely unfair to the poor; when done by a Democrat it is intended to take taxes from the rich and productive for the purpose of giving it to the poor and useless (and stupid) so they will vote for us

fair
- what it really means: free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice
- meaning as understood by liberals: whatever we feel like at any particular moment (all judgments of fairness are non-binding)

progressive
- what it really means: someone favoring or advocating progress, change, improvement, or reform, as opposed to wishing to maintain things as they are
- meaning as understood by liberals: a liberal who lacks the courage to be honest about himself

centrist
- meaning as understood by liberals: having political views in the center; a moderate
- what it really means: a liberal who lacks the courage to be honest about himself

conservative
- what it really means: disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change
- meaning as understood by liberals: a racist, sexist, bigoted, homophobic, redneck, stupid, Bible-thumping, gun-toting, backwards, backwoods hick

liberal
- what it really means: favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs
- meaning as understood by liberals: saintly and holy (but we can't say it out loud because the eeeeeevil conservatives have made it a bad word)

national security
- what it really means: a collective term for the defense and foreign relations of a country, protection of the interests of a country
- meaning as understood by liberals: a waste of money that would be better spent buying votes and creating dependents

deficit
- what it really means: the amount by which a sum of money falls short of the required amount
- meaning as understood by liberals: an excuse to raise taxes

tax
- what it really means: a sum of money demanded by a government for its support or for specific facilities or services, levied upon incomes, property, sales, etc.
- meaning as understood by liberals: your patriotic duty as an American citizen; the means by which fairness will be enforced

success
- what it really means: the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors
- meaning as understood by liberals: the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors, except in reference to American patriotism, American superiority, or the American military, in which context it means failure

failure
- what it really means: an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful or lack of success
- meaning as understood by liberals: an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful or lack of success, except in reference to American patriotism, American superiority, or the American military, in which context it means success; grounds for promotion

lie
- what it really means: a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth
- meaning as understood by liberals: the proper way to hide one's liberal preferences; excessive use is grounds for promotion

integrity
- what it really means: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character
- meaning as understood by liberals: never heard of it

honesty
- what it really means: truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness
- meaning as understood by liberals: a verbal mistake

abortion
- what it really means: the removal of an embryo or fetus from the uterus in order to end a pregnancy
- meaning as understood by liberals: the most important sacrament of the liberal orthodox humanist religion, the approval of which is required by anyone wishing to participate in Democrat party politics; a choice with absolutely no associated moral or ethical ramifications

global warming
- what it really means: an increase in the earth's average atmospheric temperature that causes corresponding changes in climate and that may result from the greenhouse effect
- meaning as understood by liberals: the second most important sacrament of the liberal orthodox humanist religion, caused solely by man (trifle me not with evidence)

religion
- what it really means: a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, esp. when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs
- meaning as understood by liberals: an inconvenient set of racist, sexist, bigoted, homophobic, redneck, stupid rules that inhibit proper...uh...progressivism

ethics
- what it really means: a system of moral principles
- meaning as understood by liberals: we've heard of them, but haven't ever bothered using them

federal revenue
- what it really means: government-appropriated contribution from income generated in the private sector
- meaning as understood by liberals: our play money!

voter
- what it really means: a person who votes
- meaning as understood by liberals: a tool that is useful approximately once every two years; someone who rarely understands what's in their own best interest

crisis
- what it really means: a condition of instability or danger, as in social, economic, political, or international affairs, leading to a decisive change
- meaning as understood by liberals: a tool that is useful approximately once every seventeen seconds, and that can be used to scare voters into compromise

equality
- what it really means: the state or quality of being equal
- meaning as understood by liberals: the state or quality of being equal, except under special circumstances such as race, gender, disability, intelligence, weight, height, background, religion, ability, competence, or desire