The Days Of Perpetual Indebtedness Are Over!

The Foundation for the Advancement of Leadership and Sensitivity Everywhere reports:

Despite inheriting the worst financial crisis in the history of the world, President Barack Obama has repeatedly promised to fix the economy by making tough choices during these tough economic times.  In a brief press conference from the White House Rose Garden today, the young President announced sweeping changes to the federal government that will save over a trillion dollars each year, eliminating the deficit virtually overnight.

"The American people spoke loud and clear in November," President Obama said.  "They wanted a change from the status quo.  They wanted a change from uncontrolled spending.  They wanted new leadership that was capable of and prioritizing the challenges and making the tough decisions that this nation was facing.  Today, we have done that."

The details of the new plan include the elimination of the Department of Homeland Security, which cost taxpayers $54 billion in 2008, as well as the Department of Defense, which ran up a bill of almost $1 trillion in the same year.

"It was a tough decision, and I spent many sleepless nights grappling with it," the President admitted.  "I know there will be concerns from the American people, but rest assured I have considered all the variables and decided that, at the end of the day, these departments are simply unnecessary, especially considering the enormous amounts of taxpayer money that are being pumped into them every year.  Our domestic economy and social advancement must be our highest priority; everything else is expendable.  But the road will not be as difficult as it sounds.  In fact, the foundations for this transformation have already been laid, as my administration has already opened new and strong relations with members of the international community that the previous administration had demonized and artificially made into enemies.  In recent weeks, I have met with key members of Europe and South America, and received an incredibly warm reception from all of them.  We have much common ground, and I believe America's antagonistic international relations have been transformed into partnerships that will last for generations."

The President admitted that much work remains to be done with a few nations, including Iran and North Korea.

"While there are still some minor differences of opinion, I'm confident that, in the interest of international cooperation and peace, we will work through those differences together in the very near future."

In a jaw-dropping coup-de-grace, President Obama revealed the second part of his plan: to wipe out the entire national debt -- an eye-popping $12 trillion -- in just over a year.

"Once we suspend these useless departments, we will obviously have an immense amount of military and civilian equipment, hardware, and weapons that can be sold to our neighbors and friends around the world.  We will use the proceeds from those sales to eliminate the national debt and put the United States back into solvency.  The approximately three million jobs that comprise the military will accompany those equipment and weapons sales to train and advise the new owners around the world, so no American currently working in either of these departments needs to worry about losing their job.  I realize that not all of our men and women in uniform will be willing to travel overseas to train other countries on formerly American equipment, but in these difficult economic times, we all must tighten our belts and sacrifice for the greater good."

In his closing remarks, the President painted a grand picture of an emerging new world.

"Today we begin a new era in world peace.  The goodwill engendered by our leadership will set a new tone for cooperation around the world, and I'm certain that other nations will quickly follow our example.  Without losing a single American job, we will eliminate the deficit and retire the national debt within 16 months, an historic accomplishment in which we can all take pride.  The days of perpetual indebtedness are over, and a new America has been born!"

The only snafu of the event was a moment in which the teleprompter script apparently fell behind, causing a brief pause in the speech.  The President nimbly recovered, making a joke about 'right-wing extremist' hackers, and quickly moved on.

In an unprecedented show of international support, virtually every nation around the world met the announcements with raucous applause, ecstatic cheering, and enthusiastic dancing in the streets, particularly in North Korea, Russia, and Iran.

No Republicans or military officials were contacted for comment.