Obama Defends Treasury Secretary Pick
President-elect Barack Obama has been fending off controversy over his selection of Tim Geithner as Treasury Secretary. Republicans have raised concerns regarding Geithner's failure to pay the correct amount on his taxes between 2001 and 2004.
"It's not what you think," said Obama, "Tim's just not that good at math. It was a simple mistake that anybody could have made. He's still the best pick for Treasury Secretary."
Obama's assertions were backed up by an analysis of Geithner's math scores in grade school, where from basic math all the way up to 12th grade Pre-Algebra, Geithner averaged a "D-."
"Tim was always a little slow in math," said Gina Simmons, Geithner's fourth grade teacher, "He didn't get his grades up to 'D-' until he started writing crib notes on his arms. We let that slide because we didn't want him to feel like he was retarded."
"I'm ready to be your Treasury Secretary," said Geithner, "Everybody knows it was an innocent mistake. I already paid the money plus penalties. It was, like, sixteen thousand, four hundred dollars. The penalty was something like ten percent, so I paid like twenty-six thousand. I figured that ought to cover it."
Democrats were incredulous that opposition to Geithner would materialize at all.
"His errors were honest mistakes," said Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus, "The Republicans are just hassling the President and they're going to keep doing it until he caves and appoints some idiot to the position like Mickey Mouse or Paris Hilton or Stephen Hawking. Dude, lighten up."
Republicans weren't quite convinced.
"I think he might be a little confused when he's under pressure," said Senator Jeff Sessions, "In his application for Treasury Secretary, in the blank marked 'name,' he wrote 'thirty-seven.' Sure, that's an honest mistake. Just like when the IRS audited his check book and found one page where he added $54, $62 and $78 to get a total of $34.52. They also found that the rest of the pages were stuck together with peanut butter."
Geithner confirmed his checkbook was a bit of a mess.
"Yes, I made an adding mistake or two, but come on. Cut me some slack. People make mistakes," said Geithner, "And as for the peanut butter, I like peanut butter. I like to eat it by the spoonful. My checkbook got all messy because I had, like, fifteen spoonfuls of peanut butter. That's something like four hundred fluid ounces."
...
President-elect Barack Obama has been fending off controversy over his selection of Tim Geithner as Treasury Secretary. Republicans have raised concerns regarding Geithner's failure to pay the correct amount on his taxes between 2001 and 2004.
"It's not what you think," said Obama, "Tim's just not that good at math. It was a simple mistake that anybody could have made. He's still the best pick for Treasury Secretary."
Obama's assertions were backed up by an analysis of Geithner's math scores in grade school, where from basic math all the way up to 12th grade Pre-Algebra, Geithner averaged a "D-."
"Tim was always a little slow in math," said Gina Simmons, Geithner's fourth grade teacher, "He didn't get his grades up to 'D-' until he started writing crib notes on his arms. We let that slide because we didn't want him to feel like he was retarded."
"I'm ready to be your Treasury Secretary," said Geithner, "Everybody knows it was an innocent mistake. I already paid the money plus penalties. It was, like, sixteen thousand, four hundred dollars. The penalty was something like ten percent, so I paid like twenty-six thousand. I figured that ought to cover it."
Democrats were incredulous that opposition to Geithner would materialize at all.
"His errors were honest mistakes," said Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus, "The Republicans are just hassling the President and they're going to keep doing it until he caves and appoints some idiot to the position like Mickey Mouse or Paris Hilton or Stephen Hawking. Dude, lighten up."
Republicans weren't quite convinced.
"I think he might be a little confused when he's under pressure," said Senator Jeff Sessions, "In his application for Treasury Secretary, in the blank marked 'name,' he wrote 'thirty-seven.' Sure, that's an honest mistake. Just like when the IRS audited his check book and found one page where he added $54, $62 and $78 to get a total of $34.52. They also found that the rest of the pages were stuck together with peanut butter."
Geithner confirmed his checkbook was a bit of a mess.
"Yes, I made an adding mistake or two, but come on. Cut me some slack. People make mistakes," said Geithner, "And as for the peanut butter, I like peanut butter. I like to eat it by the spoonful. My checkbook got all messy because I had, like, fifteen spoonfuls of peanut butter. That's something like four hundred fluid ounces."
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And...
Bin Laden: Al Qaeda has Been Forced to Rely on Inept Geese
A new video message from al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden says the terrorist group is desperately low on resources and has begun looking into alternative means of terror.
"The great Satan has crippled our terrorist infrastructure," says Bin Laden according to Endive translators, "We're short on weapons and manpower, and therefore we have turned to the only remaining terrorists who are true to our cause – inept geese."
Bin Laden expressed disappointment in the performance of his "Inept Geese Cell."
"Needless to say, Allah, Mohammed, and I are all plenty annoyed," said Bin Laden, "These geese were so inept, they managed to crash an entire airplane without actually killing anybody. Not only that, but the pilot, crew, passengers and first responders are all being hailed as heroes… and they're getting book and movie deals. I don't think I could be any more pissed off right now. It's safe to say that these particular inept geese who sacrificed themselves to destroy the great Satan will not be receiving their seventy virgins. They're getting the Koran's consolation prize for inept suicide attacks – seventy salad shooters and an endless supply of cabbage and leeks."
The inept geese were quick to claim responsibility on the attack on US flight 1549 and defend themselves against Bin Laden's accusations. The tape released from the inept goose cave was too difficult to translate, but the rhetoric was strong.
"Al-Allah A-hacchhhma HONK," said head inept goose, Ameen al-Quawacky, "Ach, ahakma, America, thbbbpt, HONK. Alililililili HONK."
Unimpressed, Bin Laden continued to lay criticism upon his team of inept terrorist waterfowl.
"How pathetic is it when you carry out a suicide attack and the plane can't even hit a boat in the Hudson freaking river?" Bin Laden shouted while gesturing strongly, "I also heard that the people awaiting their connector flights in Charlotte were quickly rerouted to other planes and didn't even have to spend an extra hour in the airport. Is it to much to ask just to get a terrorist to inconvenience the great Satan?!"
...
President Bush was pleased to see success in his war on terror as his days in the White House came to a close.
"Osama Bin Laden, sure, I didn't manage to kill you during my Presidency," said President Bush, "But I think it's safe to say that you have been pretty thoroughly neutered. Your 'Axis of Evil Geese' was no match for my butt-kicking pilot. In closing, IN YOUR FACE!! HOW YA LIKE THEM APPLES?!"
The President also pointed out that once he's left the White House, nobody will be paying attention to what he does. He suggested that Bin Laden might want to grow some eyes in the back of his head and look up the meaning of the words "Texas Necktie."
A new video message from al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden says the terrorist group is desperately low on resources and has begun looking into alternative means of terror.
"The great Satan has crippled our terrorist infrastructure," says Bin Laden according to Endive translators, "We're short on weapons and manpower, and therefore we have turned to the only remaining terrorists who are true to our cause – inept geese."
Bin Laden expressed disappointment in the performance of his "Inept Geese Cell."
"Needless to say, Allah, Mohammed, and I are all plenty annoyed," said Bin Laden, "These geese were so inept, they managed to crash an entire airplane without actually killing anybody. Not only that, but the pilot, crew, passengers and first responders are all being hailed as heroes… and they're getting book and movie deals. I don't think I could be any more pissed off right now. It's safe to say that these particular inept geese who sacrificed themselves to destroy the great Satan will not be receiving their seventy virgins. They're getting the Koran's consolation prize for inept suicide attacks – seventy salad shooters and an endless supply of cabbage and leeks."
The inept geese were quick to claim responsibility on the attack on US flight 1549 and defend themselves against Bin Laden's accusations. The tape released from the inept goose cave was too difficult to translate, but the rhetoric was strong.
"Al-Allah A-hacchhhma HONK," said head inept goose, Ameen al-Quawacky, "Ach, ahakma, America, thbbbpt, HONK. Alililililili HONK."
Unimpressed, Bin Laden continued to lay criticism upon his team of inept terrorist waterfowl.
"How pathetic is it when you carry out a suicide attack and the plane can't even hit a boat in the Hudson freaking river?" Bin Laden shouted while gesturing strongly, "I also heard that the people awaiting their connector flights in Charlotte were quickly rerouted to other planes and didn't even have to spend an extra hour in the airport. Is it to much to ask just to get a terrorist to inconvenience the great Satan?!"
...
President Bush was pleased to see success in his war on terror as his days in the White House came to a close.
"Osama Bin Laden, sure, I didn't manage to kill you during my Presidency," said President Bush, "But I think it's safe to say that you have been pretty thoroughly neutered. Your 'Axis of Evil Geese' was no match for my butt-kicking pilot. In closing, IN YOUR FACE!! HOW YA LIKE THEM APPLES?!"
The President also pointed out that once he's left the White House, nobody will be paying attention to what he does. He suggested that Bin Laden might want to grow some eyes in the back of his head and look up the meaning of the words "Texas Necktie."
It's good stuff, so go check 'em out.
There's my two cents.
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